Luz "Lucy" Rae has shown the community how much monkeys at the El Paso Zoo love whatever f*@#ing food we give them.

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I've taken the heavy burden of creating, and even worse, testing a list of ALTERNATIVE foods you might want to consider feeding the monkeys next time you're passing BoBo's or Chimp Chimp's exhibit at the El Paso Zoo.

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(LEGAL DISCLAIMER: if you've read up to this point, congratulations! You can read! Also, I hope that means you know this article is a joke and somewhat good satire. Do not take it seriously and do not feed monkeys at the zoo.)


1. Flamin Hot Cheetos

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Our news partner at KVIA Channel-7 said Luz "Lucy" Rae fed the spider monkeys regular Cheetos, NOT hot ones. So I think it's about high time these rascals get a taste of the dark side of El Paso and eat some extra Hot flaming Cheetos.


2. Sour Patch Kids

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Spider monkeys already have pretty hilarious faces but imagine after eating some Sour Patch Kids!? Also, I'm sure they've already eaten regular kids, so this is a sweet and sour step up.


3. Pop Rocks

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Everybody should experience the explosive tingling sensations of Pop-Rocks in their mouth, including monkeys.


4. Natty Light

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If the monkeys thought Cheetos were a good time, they're about to get turnt-up to lit-level 11 with the worst beer in the world. Don't worry if they've never had anything else; it will be the best thing they should never have tasted!


5. Smaller Monkeys

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Take a walk on the wild side and give your monkey something exotic to eat, like a smaller monkey. Bonobo? Chimp? It's your choice!

There you go! Those are some BETTER foods to feed your monkey!

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