I am so uncomfortable in my own skin right now. I don't know who the girl is that is staring back at me the mirror. I went to the dr. for a check-up yesterday and I weigh 4 lbs. less than when I gave birth to my daughter. That number messed with my head and made me so depressed. My metabolism has slowed down and it's been really hard for me to face that reality. 

I have had a mental battle with food for most of my life. From the time I was 12 until I was 19 I battled anorexia. Thoughts of food and weight loss completely consumed my life. It was miserable, dangerous, and I never felt good enough. I'm really grateful that it's something I finally fought through and won, but it's still my achilles heel.

I weigh myself every single morning. I try to tell myself not too, but I almost always give into the compulsion.

I don't restrict my food intake much, but I feel embarrassed when I eat more than my boyfriend and I really enjoy food. My boyfriend is very complimentary of me and has not been critical at all of my recent 10 lb. weight gain. (On my 5'2" frame, that's kind of a lot.) Since the birth of my daughter, I've gained 14 lbs. total.

My brain goes back and forth. Should I just be "fat and happy" or should I kick my butt in gear and start dieting and working out. I can't even figure out if I'm chubby or normal or still considered thin.

Despite my mental battle with food, I've always naturally had a high metabolism, until now. I was one of the lucky ones and I don't know how to deal with the fact that I can't eat what I want anymore. Again, I don't know whether to fight against this or embrace it.

I know I'm definitely not alone in this battle. Actress, Eva Mendes, recently addressed a compliment on Instagram and admitted the address has been retouched. She said,

"Thank you for saying this. I take so much joy from connecting to other women. It means so much to me. Even just a quick exchange. I struggle with social media but I love the constant connection with women,"

 

"I try to post responsibly and I try to make sure I don’t portray myself in a way that makes other women feel bad."

 

"I want women to know it takes a lot for me to look this way and that I struggle with food among many other things."

I don't know what the answer is in all of this, I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest. I took great comfort in knowing that someone like Eva Mendes shares this struggle, and if you've seen me and I don't seem like someone who struggles with her weight, trust me, I do.