Houston’s Drug-Addicted Rats: Yes, This Is Real

Step aside, Hollywood. Houston just pitched the perfect script for an 80s-style horror movie: “Drug-Raddicts.” The plot? Rodents high on evidence-room narcotics, staging a gritty crime spree one cocaine stash at a time. Except, folks, this isn’t a movie—this is real life.

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Let’s break it down. Houston police announced that their evidence rooms—home to 1.2 million pieces of evidence, including a whopping 400,000 pounds of marijuana—have turned into an all-you-can-eat buffet for the city’s most tenacious trespassers: rats. But not just any rats. These are rats with problems.

According to officials, the rodent issue has gotten so bad that cases as old as the Macarena are being reevaluated. Imagine getting a letter that reads: “Dear Counsel, the cocaine from your client’s 1996 bust has been eaten by a rat. Good luck in court.”

These Rats Are Built Different

“These aren’t your average rodents,” said Peter Stout, president of the Houston Forensic Science Center. “They’re drug-addicted rats. They’re tough to deal with.” Yes, you read that right—these rats are not just tough; they’re basically tiny, furry mob bosses with a penchant for blow. Someone get them a Netflix docuseries and a therapy session.

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The police even showcased some vintage drug evidence for reporters. Cocaine from 1996? Check. Weed from 1993? Check. Rats enjoying a trip better than anyone at Woodstock? Double-check. The police chief himself admitted, “It just attracts rodents.” Oh, you think? It’s like the city set out an endless charcuterie board for vermin.

Solutions: A Rat-ical New Plan

In a bold move, Houston officials announced they’ll finally destroy decades-old evidence that’s no longer needed, sparing the rats from further substance abuse issues. Defense attorneys were promptly notified, presumably between bursts of laughter and disbelief.

The DA’s office even created a new position to tackle this problem—a senior attorney dedicated to drug destruction. A whole job just to stop rats from out-partying the rest of us.

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The National Epidemic No One Saw Coming

“This isn’t just a Houston problem,” Stout pointed out. “Rodents, bugs, and even fungus love drugs.” Well, isn’t that comforting? Forget the war on drugs; we’re fighting the war on junkie rodents.

A Legacy of Cheese and Chaos

As Houston’s police chief so aptly put it, storing drugs for decades while they’re nibbled on by rats is “not something that we can continue to do as a professional police agency.” Truly, a revelation.

So, if you’ve ever wondered what happens to drug evidence after a case is closed, just remember: somewhere, a rat in Houston is having a better Friday night than you. Now, who do we call to greenlight Drug-Raddicts 2: Rodents of the Evidence Room?