Daylight Saving Time Is The Stupidest Thing Ever

Ah, Daylight Saving Time (DST)—the biannual tradition that has us all stumbling around, unsure if we should be waking up, going to bed, or just giving up entirely. Every spring, we’re gifted the thrill of losing an hour of sleep, while fall gives us the illusion of getting that precious hour back. But hey, who cares about sleep, right? Here’s a sarcastic salute to the wonderful, life-enhancing practice of resetting our clocks twice a year.

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The Big Sell: “Saving” Daylight—Because Sunlight Needs a Manager?

Let’s start with the name itself: Daylight Saving Time. Because what we really need is a way to save sunlight as if it’s a rare, fleeting commodity, instead of, you know, just waiting for the Earth to rotate. What started as a wartime energy-saving idea has somehow managed to hold on, despite the glaring evidence that it doesn’t actually save energy anymore. So now, we get to switch our clocks back and forth, losing productivity and personal sanity for...no discernible benefit. Yay!

“Just an Hour,” They Said. “It’s No Big Deal,” They Said.

Let’s talk about that one hour we all get to “lose” in March. People say it’s no big deal, but who doesn’t love an entire society groggily running on caffeine for a week straight? And don’t even get started on how this messes up kids and pets, who could care less what the clock says. After all, the joy of wrestling a cranky child into bed or getting your cat to stop meowing for breakfast at 4 a.m. is worth everything, right?

The All-Important Tradition of “Falling Back”

Sure, we “fall back” in November, and it’s nice for a second…until you realize that any sense of balance or routine is now shattered. The sun now sets at 5 p.m. If you leave work in the dark, only to wake up in the dark, you’re welcome. After all, what’s better than feeling like you’re living in a perpetual state of midnight? Nothing screams productivity and happiness like a little wintertime gloom.

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Because Nothing Says Modern World Like Ancient Ideas

We live in a time of electric lights, flexible work hours, and more productivity hacks than we know what to do with. And yet, here we are, held captive to a concept thought up by early 20th-century planners, thinking it would maximize daylight for farming—except that farmers generally hate Daylight Saving Time, but who’s keeping track? We’re here, stumbling our way through the year, bound by an old clock.

Can We Just Agree to Abandon This?

We don’t need an extra hour to watch the sun rise or set; we need an extra hour of sleep. So, let’s toss DST where it belongs—in the past, along with medieval timekeeping practices and rotary phones.