If you've turned on a tv or scrolled through social media in the past month you know that the whole world is freaking out about the coronavirus. People are running around buying face masks and clearing grocery store shelves of bleach and PopTarts in preparation for the coming zombie coronavirus apocalypse. The funny thing about all this panic in the streets is that we here in El Paso are pretty much safe from this modern day plague because if you're from El Paso, these things will keep you safe from the coronavirus*:

1. You swam in the canals, the Rio Grande, or Ascarate Lake - If you've ever taken a dip into one of our local waterways, you've been exposed to all kinds of bacteria and viruses. If you made it out alive from El Paso bodies of water, the coronavirus will slide right off you.

2. You ate fish tacos off a streetcart in Juarez after a night in the clubs - I'm not judging because I ate my share of street tacos back in the day when I used to party in Juarez at the ElectriQ and Alive, but you know as well as I do those are made with mystery meat so you think I'm afraid of coronavirus? Pos, por favor.

3. You have Vicks and 7-Up at your house - You don't have 7-Up and Vick's at your house? Man, I'm done with you. Good luck with that coronavirus.

4. You’ve actually sat on the toilet seat in a public restroom - Have you ever been to one? Nuff said.

5. Your abuelita says “sana sana colita de rana” and crosses you 3 times if you even so much as sneeze - It has to be an abuelita or a tia who raised you like you were her own kid. A mom "sana sana" is ok, but you'll have to also do the Vick's and 7-Up.

I feel sorry for people in other parts of the country. They don't stand a chance.

*Clearly these things are not going to keep you safe from the coronavirus. This is a joke.