THE CHUBBY SHOP LIFTER ... Five-foot-two, 400 POUND Jerrie Perkins of Pontiac, Michigan, was riding her motorized cart through a grocery store in Rochester Hills, Michigan, and shoplifting mostly electronics. After she'd stoleN about 600 bucks worth she decided to make a run for it. And by "run," I mean a slow ride out the door.

That ended rather quickly when SHE GOT STUCK in the doorway ... just as all her stolen merchandise was setting off the alarm.

That, of course, brought the store employees running over to see why the alarm was going off, and naturally, they noticed all the stuff she hadn't paid for and called the cops. The Chubby Shop Lifter managed to get herself loose just as the cops got there and they ended up having to use the TASER on her when she took a swing at one of them.

This is a fairly creative excuse for drunk driving.  I mean . . . it's completely illogical and you'd have to be drunk to think of something like this . . . but still fairly creative.

NO, REALLY, HE WAS JUST MOWING THE SIDEWALK ...  Steve Urbansky of Lorain, Ohio  got his car stuck in a snow bank along the side of the road and was still trying to dislodge the car when police happened to drive by. They quickly noticed the strong smell of alcohol on him and started asking questions.

Steve told them he was all up in the snow bank because, quote,  "[I was] just trying to mow the sidewalk." Instead of thanking him for doing such a noble but mostly unnecessary bit of community service, he  was arrested for DUI. 

REAL MAN OF GENIUS ... A California man who stole tires from a tire store was easy to track down -- he put the tires in a van with his name and phone number on it!!! Security cameras caught Jeffrey Yancey and an accomplice putting the tires from Best for Less Tire Pros into a van labeled "Jeff Tires" followed by HIS CELL PHONE NUMBER. Police arrested Yancey at his home after calling the number and pretending to want to buy tires.