Mike’s The Stupid News: Man Drives Stolen Car Naked and Drunk Through Crime Scene & The New Instructional Butt and Face Towel

'REAL MAN OF GENIUS' DRIVES STOLEN CAR THROUGH CRIME SCENE WHILE DRUNK AND NAKED ...Kevin Signalness of Portland, Oregon committed FIVE different crimes SIMULTANEOUSLY Monday. Let me break them down for you: First, he stole a car. Then he drove said stolen car drunk, and plowed it through an active police crime scene where the po-po was investigating a murder. Oh, and did I mention he had his naughty bits exposed at the time because he was looking at a porno mag on the seat next to him?

Signalness was arrested by a few of the cops who took a break from the crime scene long enough to book him on charges ranging from car theft to public indecency. Here's his mugshot ...

He looks like he's straight out of a Dick Tracy cartoon, no?

MAKE NUMBER ONE, GET ARREST NUMBER TWO ... A North Carolina man hit the 'Real Man of Genius' daily double after being arrested for urinating on a cop car -- while he was waiting for a ride home from another arrest earlier that day.

Trooper Kevin Woods became suspicious after finding the side of his patrol car soaking wet on a sunny day, then looked at surveillance tape that showed suspect Chuck Daniels relieving himself on the vehicle. Daniels had been arrested earlier that day on charges of possessing drugs and stolen goods.

BATH TOWEL FOR BUTT AND FACE ... A graphic designer in New York has come up with a new sanitary bath towel you can purchase online. The towel has a human figure on it – modeled after the universal symbol you find on bathroom doors.

The head of the figure is labeled ‘top’ and the bottom is labeled ‘bottom’ to help keep you from drying off your face with the part of the towel you used to dry off your butt the last time. You know, I never even thought of that before. What a great idea. But I like to place my towel between my legs, grab the front and the back, and do that ‘shoe shine’ move! Do they got one for that?