Man Assualts Homeowner with Dead Weasal ... In Washington State, a man is accused of assaulting another man with a weasel. Yes, I said weasal. Police say the man, carrying a DEAD weasel, burst into the home of another man looking for his girlfriend.

 When the homeowner asked the obvious question, ‘Why are you carrying a dead weasel?’, the intruder said, ‘It’s not – it’s a marten’. And then punched the man in the nose and took off. So what's the difference? Don't look at me, I don't know. I'm not well versed in varmits, but I *can* tell you they're equally adorbable.

 SWAT Team Kicks Down Front Door to Collect on Student Loan ... A Stockton, California man alleges a SWAT team broke down his front door, pulled him out in his underwear in front of his kids, then cuffed and stuffed him into the back of a government vehicle and continued searching his house for six hours. The reason? His estranged wife had defaulted on her student loan payments, and the U.S. Department of Education apparently sent the heavily armed squad in to collect. Man, what will they do if you don't turn in a library book on time, send in SEAL Team Six???!!!