5 Reasons I Won’t be Shopping at El Paso’s First Whole Foods Market

I know a lot of people are psyched about El Paso's first ever Whole Foods Market.

They're super-excited to finally have a choice in where to overpay for food that is "certified organic," "locally sourced," and a lot of other pretentious sounding things.

And no, I'm not throwing shade at Prius-driving soccer moms. Frankly, it sounds like it's going to be a pretty awesome place to spend 400 bucks on two days' worth of groceries.

Not only is it the first Whole Foods in the entire company to have a restaurant/taqueria, it'll also be home to the chain's first beer taproom. That's all pretty cool and stuff but not enough to get me to shop there.

With tongue firmly planted in cheek, here are the Top 5 reasons this guy won't be shopping at Whole Foods:

5. In my world, a bar of soap isn't supposed to look or feel like a chunk of quartz that was just chipped off the Franklin mountains.

4. Call me crazy but I believe a jar of peanut butter should cost less than a ribeye from Ruth’s Chris Steak House.

3. Craft beers and fine wines? Pshaw. Where the malt liquor be at?

2. If I'm gonna pay that much for something leafy and green, well, let's just say it ain't gonna be produce.

1. I'm currently going through a half foods phase.

Those looking to be among the first to purchase cruelty-free wheat and vegan sugar can do so beginning at 9 a.m. on Wednesday, October 19. Whole Foods Market is located in the La Villita shopping center at 6801 North Mesa, across from Coronado High School.

Let me know if you're going. I know a guy who can get you in without a cover charge.