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Texas Judge Rules Against Strip Clubs With Sexual One-Liners

Strip club
Joe Raedle, Getty Images

A federal judge in Texas issued a ruling earlier this week in the case that he ever so shockingly and sarcastically referred to as “The Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Bikini Top vs. The (more) Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Pastie.”

U.S. District Judge Fred Biery delivered a ruling on April 29 regarding San Antonio strip clubs that was likely one of the most humorous, tongue-in-cheek decisions ever handed down by an American magistrate. Unfortunately, while his ruling has become an entertaining anecdote among the legal community and abroad, the strip clubs’ arguments have been left out in the cold.

San Antonio has a city ordinance in place that mandates all exotic dancers wear bikini tops, rather than the strippers’ preferred pastie method. However, after filing for a preliminary injunction against the ordinance in order to maintain a certain level of profitable business, the strip clubs were denied by the judge in a hysterical 9-page document:

“An ordinance dealing with semi-nude dancers has once again fallen into the city’s lap,” writes Judge Biery. The City of San Antonio (“City”) wants exotic dancers employed by Plaintiffs to wear larger pieces of fabric to cover more of the female breast. Thus, the age old question before the Court, now with constitutional implications, is: Does size matter?”

Yet, Judge Biery’s clown shoes do not come off there, continuing by saying “to bare, or not to bare, that is the question. While the Court finds these businesses to be nefarious magnets of mischief, the Court doubts several square inches of fabric will stanch the flow of violence and other secondary effects emanating from these businesses.”

The judge’s decision concludes as though he is wrapping up a stand-up comedy routine:

“Accordingly, the request for preliminary injunction is DENIED.

Should the parties choose to string this case out to trial on the merits, the Court encourages reasonable discovery intercourse as they navigate the peaks and valleys of litigation, perhaps to reach a happy ending.”

However, he did forget one important line: ladies and gentlemen, good night!

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