SUICIDE BOMBER GETS TEXT MESSAGE; GOES BOOM ... Russian security forces are reporting a suicide bombing on New Year's Eve in Moscow's Red Square that could have killed hundreds was stymied ... but not because of anything THEY did.

Here's what happened: a female suicide bomber was in a safe house a few hours before the planned attack, preparing her homemade belt of explosives, and rigging the cell phone trigger. Unfortunately for the would-be bomber, she was using an ACTIVE cell phone with a current calling plan.

And as luck would have it, just when she had the whole thing set, her service provider sent her an automated 'Happy New Year' text message ... which DETONATED THE BOMB!!! Russian authorities think she was part of the same radical Islamic group that bombed Moscow's airport last Monday.

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER SHOWS UP DRUNK ... Kids usually like it when a substitute teacher

shows up - unless she comes in drunk and screaming at the top of her lungs, that is. That's exactly what happened to a sixth-grade class in Puyallup, Washington, last week when an unnamed 46-year-old substitute teacher went loco on them, even appearing to be passed out at her desk at one point. That prompted one kid to call the police.