Haunted houses? No thanks, I can't even stand the suspense of using a toaster. But not everyone is as big a chicken as I am.

If your cajones are bigger than mine and you plan to check out one of the area haunted houses, haunted trails, or haunted whatever this Halloween, what you want to find is one that will make you scream hysterically as you run away from the creepy clown that lurks in your path.

You'll want to avoid one that has any of the following on this list of Signs You Chose a Lame Haunted House:

  • The Wolfman is just a shirtless Lou Romano

  • Instead of spending money on zombie makeup, they hired a couple of meth addicts from New Mexico

  • The creepy "fog" is really just some guy chain smoking in front of a fan

  • The scariest thing in the whole place is a room full of faulty Samsung Note 7's

    Getty Images
  • Instead of fake tombstones, the entrance is decorated with stolen Sheriff Wiles campaign signs

    Sheriff Richard Wiles Facebook
  • The wailing of tortured souls you hear is actually a recording of the few Miner football fans left

    Armando Vela.