Your Weekly Horoscope With A West Texas Twist

Tired of reading horoscopes that say things like “You’ll meet a mysterious stranger” when you know darn well you’re just meeting the same three dudes from high school over and over again at United? Same. Here’s a no-nonsense, weather-beaten, dust-approved guide to what the stars really have in store for you this week in West Texas.

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’ll impulsively start a home project and then realize you need 4 more trips to Lowe’s. The wind will scatter your receipts across the neighborhood, symbolizing your financial instability. Lucky snack: Beef jerky from Allsup's.

♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You crave peace, but your neighbor’s leaf blower wants war. Don’t fight it—lean into the chaos and then call it something like  “white noise therapy.” However, love may come your way if you hold the door open at Whataburger.

Read More: Humorous Yelp Reviews Highlight Quirks Of Lubbock Culture

♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’ll have one extreme opinion in the morning and a totally different (possibly more extreme) one by lunch. It’s fine—blame the barometric pressure or whatever. Avoid making big decisions, like cutting your own bangs. Whatever you do today, don't check Facebook comments.

♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’re feeling rather sentimental. You’ll drive past Joyland’s old spot, get emotional, and then immediately crave a Frito pie. That’s growth, baby.

♌ Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will receive attention—but it’s mostly from the wind whipping your hair into a work of modern art. Everyone will compliment you anyway. They have no clue how hard your hairspray is working. Be confident, even if your eyelashes end up in Levelland.

♍ Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You’ll make a to-do list, lose it, and then find it stuck to your car in the Walmart parking lot. Productivity is relative. Maybe go inside and buy some tape. Not a great day to play the lottery.

♎ Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You’re trying to keep the peace, but people won't stop arguing about football or queso. Remember: diplomacy doesn’t work around people who think their expensive grill makes them a fancy chef.

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You’ll feel powerful this week. Harness that energy to finally call the city about your neighbor’s Christmas lights still being up. Hold your tongue, and remember, revenge is best served politely.

♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You’ll get a sudden urge to road trip, but end up on the side of the road in Plainview because you forgot to get gas. It’s fine. The journey is the destination. Plus, you never know what kind of cute hero might stop to help.

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You’re focused on career moves, but your boss keeps talking about everything you've been screwing up, in between comments about the weather. Just nod and say, “Sure is windy today.” Boom—you’re employee of the month.

♒ Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Your weird idea will finally get the recognition it deserves—probably on TikTok. Keep doing you. Just don’t film outside unless you want to swallow a mouthful of dust.

♓ Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)

You’re feeling dreamy and emotional. The sound of a distant train might make you cry. That’s okay. You’re not soft—you’re just from West Texas, where the sunsets hit WAY harder.

Final Thought:
Welp, the stars may guide you, but the wind still decides your hairstyle. Sorry, Bub. No matter your sign, you’re strong, resilient, and slightly wind-damaged—just like the rest of us.