What the Tabloids Taught Us While Waiting In Line This Week
We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy kale and lentils this week, and here's what we gleaned from the National Enquirer, In Touch, Star, Globe and OK! Avoiding the express line definitely has its educational advantages.
- Angelina Jolie may need a new liver. Because she forgot to check the date on the label and the other one went bad in the fridge while she was out collecting children like Hummel figurines.
- Sally Struthers lives life as a lonely hoarder. Now we know where all the Cheetos are.
- Sickening TLC star Honey Boo Boo is involved in some kind of shocking adoption scandal. This made us think that someone adopted her, but it just turns out that her mom isn’t a very good mother. Which isn't shocking at all.
- Monica Lewinsky is writing a book about telling lies and having a secret abortion. We can only wonder what will be in this $12 million tell-all book that we don't know already, but it must be incredible because publishers are drooling and it’s taken her more than a decade to
make it upwrite it.
- Tom Cruise has reportedly chosen Scientology over his adorable daughter, Suri. Because she wasn’t invented by L. Ron Hubbard and bears no resemblance to a galactic ruler.
- Jessica Simpson has ordered everyone not to call her fat. Said the new mom, “You know I only answer to ‘Hey, Stupid.’”
- The topless scandal is apparently worse than Kate Middleton knows. The Hef is refusing to even consider a multi-million dollar payout for a spread of the Duchess since every frat boy on the planet has seen her wobblies already.
- A bunch of stars were snapped without makeup. Whatever. They’re still pretty. And they seem all honey badger about being bare-faced, like they have confidence and giant bank accounts or something. Freaks.
- Britney Spears’ fiancé got caught cheating. To which he replied with no irony whatsoever, “Oops. I did it again. You're toxic anyway. But fine, get it out of your system -- hit me, baby, one more time.” (We'll stop now.)
- Khloe Kardashian finally figured out her family hates her, so she’s in therapy. Just wait until she finds out the rest of us can't stand her either.
- Rob Kardashian, however, is a mama’s boy. Because who wants to let go of silk apron strings worth millions of dollars.
- Dr. Phil shows how he earned his title by discovering that Dina Lohan is the worst mom ever. Also that NFL replacement refs may be the worst refs ever.
- Camilla cruelly slams Kate for being topless. Who do William and Kate think they are, acting like they’re actually in love. Pansies.
- Something about Scott Peterson’s life behind bars is shocking. Mainly that anyone would refer to a section of death row as “cushy” or a “luxury penthouse suite.”
- Michael Jackson’s mother is finally leaving that skeevy Joe. Which makes us wonder what happened, because that camel's had three decades' worth of last straws.
- President Obama was caught in a gay bathhouse. To which he responded, “Hey, a campaign stop is a campaign stop. Conversations in watering holes help me stay in touch with the people of this nation.”
- Kristen Stewart is vowing she’ll never cheat again. Unless there’s a movie franchise to peddle.
- Everybody still thinks Will & Kate are having twins. Or they ARE twins. It’s sort of hard to tell. And it’s not like royals don’t inbreed.
- Kanye West told Kim Kardashian she needs to diet. At which point we hope she told him that dropping him and his inflated ego would do the trick nicely.
- The family of Jenelle Evans from ‘Teen Mom 2’ fears she had some kind of overdose. We’re guessing it's an overdose of her family, none of whom got an overdose of smarts.