I love a good Christmas song, but these five should never have been recorded. They are the rock bottom worst Christmas songs ever.


5. Santa Baby by Madonna - The original version sung by Eartha Kitt is sexy but not in-your-face sexy, but Madonna's version was recorded in 1987 when she was still in her I-gotta-shock-the-whole-world phase. Oh, wait. She is still in that phase, but I digress. This version isn't overtly sexy, but her childish voice is icky and disturbing considering the song is about a woman who is trying to get shmancy gifts from her Santa.


4. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer by Elmo and Patsy - It's a Christmas story for the ages - Grandma gets snockered on egg nog on Christmas Eve, wanders away from the family home, and gets found on Christmas Day with 'incriminating Claus marks on her back'. And Mike thinks 'Baby It's Cold Outside' is rape-y?


3. Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano - Don't get me wrong, I love Jose Feliciano. I like his other songs, but this one makes me want to bang my head against a wall. It's relentless and the fact that the song has only 19 words that are sung over and over again for three and a half minutes should tell you how really dumb this song is.


2. O Holy Night by Christina Aguilera - Christina's voice is heaven-sent, but this crazy long version of O Holy Night is a candy cane striped mess. She seems to be auditioning for America's Got Talent and trying to show off every vocal exercise she can think of, and don't even get me started on some of her grunts and groans that sound completely inappropriate for a song about the birth of Christ. This is Xtina meets baby Jesus and baby Jesus loses.


1. Christmas Shoes by Newsong - Wow. Just wow. Every cliche in the book was trotted out for this horrible song. Poor kid described as dirty from head to toe without enough money to pay for shoes for his dying mom, a store clerk who says 'too bad kid, you don't have enough money', a guy with no Christmas spirit who takes all the presents from the good people of Whoville. Wait. Wrong song. Doesn't matter. All that matters is not having to suffer through this song. I would rather eat a whole fruitcake than listen to this song.

Merry Christmas!