We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy Pepto and Slim Fast this week and here’s what we learned from the In Touch, Star, Us Weekly, the Globe and Life & Style.

You never know when avoiding the express line will have its privileges.

  • In Touch

    • Could cheater Kristen Stewart be ruining another marriage? Well, "respectable, honest and scrupulous Kristen Stewart" certainly isn’t going to get it done.
    • Britney Spears has moved out. A source vehemently denies that she just forgot where she lives.
    • Kim Zolciak explains why she quit ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta.’ The reality star said, “They told me at least 17 percent of me had to be real. But after my last surgery, I crossed the threshold.”
    • Is the fact that the Kardashians are dieting for their men sweet or silly? None of the above. Write in "desperate" and you win.
    In Touch
  • Star

    • Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian are engaged. Thus exceeding our suggested daily allowance of "give a damns."
    • Celebrities like Pamela Anderson, Don Johnson and Gordon Ramsey are going broke. Thus proving the link between "unemployment" and "broke."
    • We get a sneak peek inside Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s fab English hideaway. And now we know what pompous self-importance looks like.
    • The family of Mary Kennedy hired a private investigator to look into the socialite’s suicide. Marking the first time any Kennedy has paid to uncover the facts surrounding a death.
  • Us Weekly

    • William and Kate tell friends to expect good news while they prep their home for a growing family. They’re not having a baby. Like his father, Prince William just wants to keep a horse in the house.
    • Taylor Swift has been flirting with Harry Styles of One Direction. Friends say his One Direction should be away from the boyfriend-hopping songstress.
    • Jon Bon Jovi is heartbroken over his daughter’s overdose. And all the tired 'Bad Medicine' puns.
    • Lindsay Lohan opens up about her “last chance.” As she’s driving down the street attempting to run over what’s left of the paparazzi.
    Us Weekly
  • Globe

    • Kate Middleton’s real baby secret is that she started fertility treatments at a clinic. Because the classic royal fertility treatment of “breathing down the neck of the most eligible royal” just wasn’t working.
    • Ricky Nelson’s daughter, Tracy Nelson, is fighting cancer again. You might recognize her for having a million TV credits but still being referred to as "Ricky Nelson’s daughter."
    • Stars’ deadly diets may send them to early graves. Or early lines outside of Dunkin’ Donuts.
    • NASCAR is in chaos with a bitter rivalry exploding in violence. Sources say it’s a shame because it used to be so refined and genteel.
  • Life & Style

    • Khloe Kardashian-Odom and Britney Spears are having a backstage catfight on ‘X Factor.’ Seems the ladies came to blow over a critical Spanx shortage.
    • Kanye West asked famewhore Kim Kardashian to trade him for an acting career. That's hardly an even trade.
    • Taylor Swift might be moving on too soon. It’s possible she hasn’t gotten an entire album’s worth of songs out of the whole Kennedy boy debacle yet.
    • Julia Stiles admitted she was once kicked out of a Morrissey performance. Apparently he was upset that they didn’t call ‘Save the Last Dance’ a more fitting ‘Let the Last Dance Die a Slow Painful Death.’
    Life & Style