Stupid News: Tree Branch Robbery Video & Man Claims He’s No Perv He Just Spilled Tabasco on Mr. Happy

VIDEO: GUY ROBS STORE USING TREE BRANCH ... Check out the security footage of a convenience store robbery outside Washington D.C. The guy’s weapon of choice is actually a long tree branch!!! Long story short, the clerk grabs a hammer and a stand-off ensues.

But here's the best part: The security footage is sped up, so it makes the stand-off look even funnier.

Wanna make this even funnier? Find the "Benny Hill" theme and play it underneath. Two words: HI-larious!

MAN USES THE OLD TABASCO ON MY PENIS EXCUSE ... 50-year-old Rafael Escamilla was on a SkyWest Airlines flight from Salt Lake City to Lewiston, Idaho, over the holidays, and about halfway through the flight, the 17-year-old girl sitting next to him saw movement out of the corner of her eye. Movement described in her statement as, quote, "The man's penis going side to side under the tray table that was down."

She immediately changed seats and when she landed in Idaho she told her father what she'd seen. He told the TSA, and they called the police.

Upon questioning, Rafael denied pleasuring himself in the plane. His excuse? He told police he had spilled Tabasco sauce on ‘Mr. Happy’ [while eating eggs for breakfast] and was merely rubbing his groin because it was the, quote, “worst itch in the world.”

Yeah, the cops didn't buy his story either. Rafael was arrested for indecent exposure.