Mike’s the Stupid News: Man Hospitalized After Shooting Fireworks Out Of His Butt

An Australian man is recovering after nearly blowing his butt wide open with fireworks. The New Zealand Herald reports the 23-year-old, who fortunately for him has not been identified, shoved a few firecrackers between his cheeks and then for whatever reason lit them.

As you'd expect, things went awry and the moron suffered severe burns to not only his bum, but his down there parts as well.  Police spokesman Sergeant Garry Smith says he believes alcohol might have been a factor in the poor decision. Shocking, I know. Sgt. Smith also noted, "[Firecrackers] are not designed for that particular placement.” Ya think? Thank you Master of the Obvious!

To add insult to injury, the unidentified man could also get hit with a fine because it’s illegal in the part of Australia he’s from to set off fireworks. Not to sound mean, but for the sake of our species, I hope his genitals were damaged enough that he can no longer reproduce. Am I right?