IS BRISTOL PALIN'S DANCING THAT BAD??? ... Is BRISTOL PALIN’S dancing SO BAD it makes you want to KILL YOURSELF? For 66-year-old Steven Cowan of Town of Vermont, Wisconsin, the answer is a resounding YES.

Monday night, Steven and his wife were home watching "Dancing with the Stars" and after Bristol performed, Steven said he thought she was a bad dancer and it made him FURIOUS. So he did what any number of us have only *thought* of doing: he grabbed his shotgun and SHOT OUT HIS TV!

Then he started threatening to kill himself - apparently feeling he was unable to live in a world where Bristol Palin could be allowed to dance so poorly on TV. Oh, did I mention he'd been drinking? He’d been drinking.

His wife called police, which resulted in a 15-hour standoff with the SWAT team. Steven eventually calmed down, his suicidal impulses faded, and he surrendered. But not before everyone on the SWAT team pledged to vote for Kyle Massey next week!

SUSPICIOUS BOX TURNS OUT TO BE FROM UPS GUY... This is one of those police blotter stories from a small town newspaper that we're all going to miss when newspapers as we know them become a thing of the past.

It's from the "Hudson Hub Times", which covers Portage County, Ohio. According to their police blotter, earlier this month, the police got a call from a man who wanted to report a suspicious package on his front porch.

He said he'd seen a stranger leave the package on the porch, and was worried. Upon arrival, the investigating officer looked at the package, and asked the man if he'd recently ordered anything from Amazon. The guy responded, quote, "Why yes, I did." The cop told him his package had apparently arrived then.

DOH! ROBBER FALLS ON HIS OWN KNIFE ... An unidentified man in his early 20s went into a convenience store in Ottawa, Canada, recently pulled out a kitchen knife and demanded money.

The store owner emptied the contents of the cash register into the guy's bag and the robber took off running. BUT - on his way out of the store, he tripped and fell onto HIS OWN KNIFE.

There was no stopping this guy, though. He dragged his bleeding body down the street all the way to a friend's house almost a mile away . . . leaving behind a mile long trail of blood. (Insert sad trumpet sound effect here)The cops followed the blood trail and caught up with him. He’ll be arrested once he’s released from the hospital.