“We were dispatched to this convenience store here where, ah, this subject right in front of us…was apparently inside the restroom spreading his, um, feces all over the walls.”

Thus, begins the most disgusting call El Paso PD has ever responded to on Live PD.

Officer Felipe Bermudez's and fellow Officer Susan Granado’s night took a sudden crappy turn on a recent episode of the reality cop show on A&E when the duo was called out on a Code Brown to investigate reports of an excrement-smearer. (Note: Code Brown  may or may not be an actual police code)

What follows is a transcript of the classic Q&A that took place between Bermudez and the alleged fecal freak.

Bermudez: Did you happen to use the restroom inside the store?

Alleged Fecal Freak: Yes, I used the restroom. And I came out.

Bermudez: Did you use the restroom … well, normally?

Normally. Ha!

Alleged Fecal Freak: Yes sir, but I'm not causing problems.

Bermudez: Why are we getting calls that, that you were inside the restroom smearing your feces around the walls, was that you?

Alleged Fecal Freak: No sir that was some other guy. I would never do that. I had to take a dump and that’s it sir.

Bermudez: You weren’t the one who spread it all over the walls?

Alleged Fecal Freak: No sir.

Bermudez: The weird thing is they describe somebody with a green shirt and blue shorts.

Alleged Fecal Freak: There was another man before there that came out.

Bermudez: Was he also wearing a green shirt and blue shorts?

Alleged Fecal Freak: Yes sir.

Ah yes, the It-Wasn’t-Me-It-Was-Someone-Else-Who-Was-Dressed-Just-Like-Me defense. That’s Suspect 101, right there. Although they appeared to doubt his story, Bermudez determined the man dressed exactly like the imaginary other man was not the Poop Perp and therefore not in deep doo-doo with the po-po and allowed to walk.

The segment ends with Ofc. Bermudez deadpanning to the camera like he was Horatio Cain on CSI: Miami.

“No crime has occurred here. But we sure do have a victim, being the convenience store clerk who has to be the one to clean up after this gentleman.”

Rip off sunglasses. Cue the Who, Won’t Get Fooled Again. “YEAHHH!”