A Chaparral, New Mexico, man is facing some serious charges after U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers busted him trying to smuggle a buttload of heroin. Well, actually, it was more like a butt loaded with heroin.

According to KFOX 14, 44-year-old Alfredo Sanchez was crossing into the U.S. at the Ysleta Port of Entry on Tuesday morning and was singled out for additional screening. The El Paso Times reports agents zeroed in on Sanchez “because he was showing ‘a number of factors consistent with someone carrying contraband internally.’” I assume that means he was walking funny and had a pained look on his face.

The newspaper adds that Sanchez subsequently confessed to carrying illegal contraband inside him. He then proceeded to pull a dollar bill size condom containing about half a pound of heroin out of his no-go hole.

Okay, first off . . . ewww. Secondly, if you need a visual, hit up THIS LINK. But only if you really, really want to see it because once seen, it cannot be unseen. And thirdly, no, that’s not a cucumber.