4 Ways to Avoid Having to Talk About the Presidential Election
Nothing will keep people from speaking to you about politics quite like smelling like an underarm tire fire. This will require some willpower on your part. B.O. is pretty bad, but you’ll probably not want to brush your teeth, either, so your breath will smell like a rotting pet corpse. If they can’t get within a square mile of you, they can’t ask you about Benghazi.
Any time someone comes up to you and looks like they will begin to speak, immediately sock them in the mouth. You won’t know if they were going to talk about the election, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. After they get past the initial shock, politely inquire as to what they wanted to speak about. If it was the election, punch them again. They should have known better.
Careful here – the point of this exercise is not to get blown up, but only to deaden your hearing for approximately a month. There will be a few down sides to this – you’ll probably hear a high-pitched ringing 24 hours a day, and people will still be able to communicate to you via writing, BUT not having to hear the words “Clinton” or “Trump” for another month might be worth it. Plus, the blood running out of your ears will keep more eager political junkies away from you.
It would be awesome to just sleep through Nov. 8 – or until Donald Trump finally concedes his loss. This isn’t an easy thing to do, but if you could get just enough head trauma to go into a coma for a couple of months, it might be worth it. Plus, your boss can’t give you any guff because IT’S A MEDICAL CONDITION. Comas are a horribly underutilized state of mind in American life, and we shouldn’t be surprised to see more of them coming as our nation slowly deteriorates.